just before my husband and i got married, while i was still living alone in houston, i made a late-night trip to k-mart to pick up a few things that i needed for valentine's day.

well, you know how it is in those sorts of stores. you look around and you start to remember things that you really kinda needed and sometimes there's a sale on something and you just think "wow. gotta have that."

so, i went in for silk boxers, a stuffed toy of some sort and some chocolates - you know, standard v-day fare. i found some bright red boxers, a black teddy bear and a bag of dove chocolates. while i was wandering around collecting these items i remembered that i was almost out of trash bags. 50 count. great.

oh yeah, the teacup my fiance likes got knocked over by the cat. industrial strength glue will do the trick. into the basket.

wow! this knife's on sale for 99 cents. and it's a big chef's knife. i don't have one of those. of course, i hardly ever cook, but it's really cheap and you never know, really...

oooh, ice trays. i don't usually drink water with ice, but the Man seems to like it. i'll pick up a few of those.

finally, i get to the check out. the lady is friendly. gives me a happy hello that i think is maybe a tad too happy for 1 am. but, whatever. maybe she's caffinated to be up at this hour. not everyone's a natural insomniac.

she starts grabbing and scanning my stuff. black teddy bear meep! dove chocolates meep! trash bags meep! large knife meep! red silk boxers meep! industrial glue meep! ice cubes meep!

the lady is no longer looking at me. purposefully avoiding eye contact. i throw in a pack of gum (did i offend?) she tells me my total, looks down at my stuff a final time and then back up at me. i think "oh, she must be wondering why a woman would be buying boxers."

"valentinte's day!" i say with a happy smile. this seems to deepen her concern. whatever. freaky check out person.

it isn't until i get into my car and think about the interesting potential my assortment of items has that i begin to grasp her anxiety.

"To remind them they're men, make sure to embed a batch of wriggling, erect weiners in a sea of beans."
http://www.lileks.com/institute/gallery/10PM/index4.html

i used to work at weiners

*i* was in *customer service* there

you service weiners well?

no, i was never very good at weiners.

mostly i just hung around staring listlessly at the ceiling

well, it's better now that weiners is not my job

i was never very happy with weiners

and i think weiners knew that i was unhappy

i didn't last long at all

drit says, "hmm... do I have a strange or unusual sotry to tell? jerry wants to know."

fuck happy says, "i have lots of strange and unusual stories to tell"

fuck happy says, "although, no one's likely to throw a chair at anyone over my stories"

fuck happy says, "but they might cause people to want to hide under chairs"

fuck happy says, "is that as good?"

fuck happy says, "how about the controversial story about how my mom approves of me being a pornographer?"

drit says, "Springer Cam"

fuck happy says, "or how about this strange and unusual story?"

fuck happy says, ""girl gets bloated and breaks out monthly""

fuck happy says, "girl bleeds 5-7 days and DOES NOT DIE"

drit says, "mmm... best friend and girlfriend BUSTED"

fuck happy says, "thank you, thank you folks! i'm performing this trick monthly"

fuck happy says, "the june act is never the same as the july"

fuck happy says, "come on back"

drit says, "when's the next show, Donna?"

fuck happy says, "according to my calculations... by friday"

drit says, "let me know. I wanna see."

fuck happy says, "you can buy a ticket just like everyone else"

drit says, "hehe... tomorrow: audience member disses Jerry's shoes."