back in the day
i think that in a lot of ways i am still a lot like i was in high school. not as self conscious, naturally. the depression is manifesting itself in anxiety rather than actually wanting to die. i'm a lot less bored, but as a person, in general, i'm still rebellious, naughty, goofy and all around just absorbed in being me.
lately i found out that one of my best friends from high school, someone whom i admired greatly is mormon now. this is a man that when i looked down or troubled would drag me into one of the band practice rooms to tell me dirty jokes. who, on my birthday, brought me a bouquet of tulips, and when i took them from him he said "what's better than roses on your piano?" and when i gave him my play-exasperated look said "tulips on your organ" (that's an auditory joke)
we were both on the drum line and one time while we were in the stands he asked me "spit or swallow?" i was in the middle of another conversation that i was very interested in, so i wasn't really paying much attention to him. i ignored him while he pestered me. finally, still not quite getting what he was asking me i turned around and said "spitting is rude!" i realized what i had said too late. i turned back around slowly. the drumline was entirely too quiet behind me. suddenly, in the middle of a football game, this man started an acapella chorus of "donna swallows."
to know me and my perverse sense of humor is to know that while some people would be telling these stories to their therapist in shuddering agony, i thought it all was highly amusing. sure, i was a little embarassed at the football game. but the game that he and i played was him telling me these jokes, being silly and perverse and me trying not to burst out laughing, but trying to act like it was all terribly borning to me. a game of cat and mouse that gave me something to look forward to during otherwise tedious days of instructors trying to impart knowledge into my apathetic mind.
when i knew him, the subject of god was settled. he was an athiest as far as i knew. although admittedly, it is hard to say. the subject of god about never came up between the two of us. it is so difficult for me to reconcile this person that i knew and adored so much to this new life. i know that i should just be happy that he's happy, but damnit, i hate when smart people turn to the lord.
i remember on one of our few "official dates" we went to a friend's birthday party where we ended up playing with an ouija board. i'm a natural-born cynic. i didn't care much for the game but i offered up questions to ask it here and there. but my good friend and date for the night asked the ouija board if i would end up being a porn star. it came back with a resounding "yes." well, i'm not really a porn star, but i have been known to make some porn. too bad i didn't ask if he'd end up being a mormon. perhaps then i'd have something to believe in.
two paths diverged in a wood, as robert frost once said....
