:disconnect

don't want to think too much
it makes me think too much
it keeps my mind on my mind

don't want to see too much
it makes me see too much
sometimes i'd rather be blind

all the things that they're saying and doing
when they pass me by, it just fills me up with noise
it overloads me
i want to disconnect myself
pull my brain stem out and unplug myself
i want nothin' right now

i want to pull it out

too damn bad if at the end of the day
the only thoughts in your brain
are all the things that they say
what a waste
too damn bad if at the end of the line
you have no idea what's on your own mind
you got no one to blame but yourself

Henry Rollins, The Rollins Band

my haunches hurt. i've been wearing a bra all day and where the fuck are my parents?!?

Face it.

my dreams are well known, famous even, for kicking my ass this way and that. trying to pull attrition from me. for what? my high school experience?

maybe it just wants closure. who knows. the other night i had one of the truly oddest dreams i've had in a while....

i was living in a commune/island sort of place with some friends that i get a long really well with... Belen, one of my models you may recognize. she's one of my favorite people that i don't spend enough time with that is moving in the vicinity of seattle at the end of the month.

i guess in the dream we moved with her. we were sharing a rather large, but very open area. all of our beds were in the same room. but food was made and dishes were done and really, there wasn't a whole lot of roommate BS going on.

then new people were moving next door and amongst that group was an ex boyfriend that ended the live-in relationship by packing all of his stuff up and leaving while i was at work. it was truly one of the worst nights of my life... and i don't think i've ever forgiven him for it.

sure, for breaking up... i mean... how many relationships last forever. just the chicken shit way he did it. i'm full of resentment for that. i had no time or plans that i cold change at that moment. i had to just go forth with moving into downtown houston afraid and alone.

anyway, back to the dream... i didn't say anything to him for a long while. when he asked me direct questions, i answered, but i wouldn't look him right in the eyes.

Belen, finding that all was not right in my world, came to me to find out what was bothering me. I told her about the stupid relationship and how horribly it ended. she promised to talk to him and get him to move out.

she talked to him, but he didn't want to move out. Then i told my husband about it. my husband wanted to beat him up, but i told him that belen had talked to him and that i didn't think there was anything we could do about it.

ultimately, no decision was made. i was just left to sort it out for myself. i think most times that's how it goes. you just have to sort it out on your own.

last one standing

a stand off
not a game i wanted to play
here we are on this fateful day.

do you love me?
will it be us forever against?
will it be her? the one gazing a mess

what do i need?
i need you what i always need
how can you be there for me

when all i want is to be with you?
i've heard enough so i cry
i've felt enough watch me lie
i just want to leave this space
live in another place

no where to go
no where to hide.
your face follows me.
what could've been runs me down the street, sucks my soul, loses my breath

i convulse, but what can i do? i did the right thing. how did we both get hurt? i did it all the way i was supposed to. why did it hurt everyone?

who is the last one standing. did the fight ever actually start? who started it?

am i playing with myself? playing with an imaginary world where you cared?

but you did care, didn't you? in your own way. and now your ghost, that idealistic boy... the man that wanted to defend me is gone. and i am left with memories. dark circles and crows feet for the time we spent together. for the last one standing.

Joy and Charity

i participate in charities. i think that i figure that since i'm not planning on producing children, and thus have more disposable income, that i would like to put something positive into the world.

i'm not trying to be superior to anyone, or show anyone up... i just feel a great conviction that part of my personal purpose in the world is to try in my own way to make things better for others. try to leave things just a little nicer, a little cleaner than when i found them.

there's plenty of people looking out just for themselves... and in my own way, that's what i'm doing. following my own convictions for my own purpose. because that's the person i like being.

i feel bad when people suspect my motives, or get competitive with me on giving amounts. competition is something that i don't like to do very much. i much prefer to do what's good for me, what i want to do.